Going for goat milk.
Craving me some real dairy.
Maybe I'm preggers!

Nobody expects
the Spanish Inquisition.
Nor sardine lattes.

Ghost pepper latte.
Unexpected beverage.
Predictable itch.

Pumpkin Spice Latte
Predictable beverage
Predictable bitch

My cock stopped breathing
So I gave it mouth to mouth
And injured my back

My wife is a corpse
Yet the bitch still sucks my dick
That's entertainment

Hello there.

"Is this offensive?"
The man showed us a picture
of his spread ass cheeks.

"No, good sir, that's art!"
We didn't want to be rude.
He became famous.

Blippi needs a huge cock up his ass.
Seriously.

Today my penis fell off and onto my shoe.
So I picked up and reattached it with glue.
But then as I did my hand fell off too.
Now when I get an erection, I wave "yoo hoo",
my hand stuck to it with super glue.
What will you do if I wave it at you?

Would you laugh, or scream, or run away?
Maybe you'll like it, maybe you'll stay.
Maybe you want to be amputee fisted.
Shit, I'm twisted.
Blacklisted bastard.
Evade Dave is Evade Dave backward.

Hello there.

I'd like to see a global infestation of worms.
It would, of course, be called "Global Worming".
Parasitic worms of all shapes and sizes taking over the planet.
Because, when you think about it, they deserve it more than we do.
Hug a tape worm today.

Its hot as fuck now
Clouds hate you more than you know
Tell them to suck it

Mugabe dessert:
Africa flambee'd in rum:
Red rum, red rum. Red.

Hello there.

That is just not true.
Werther's candy still exists.
Here's the ugly truth.

Grandpa hated you.
The ugliest grandson.
He left out of shame.

So your parents lied.
He told me this over beer.
So I know it's true.

Grandpa wiped a year
There were no more Werther's left
So he killed himself

Hello there.

Once upon a time...
a poet had Alzheimer's.
So I guess "The End."

It was raining dead prostitutes.
The perverts had a heyday.
So did the canibals.
The frogs were upset.
They just wanted some real rain.
So they could fuck, of course.

It will not come out.
I'm trying to shit a brick.
The baby's crying.

Hello there.

I just got dessert.
Chocolate mousse with espresso.
Just like Mugabe.

Robert Mugabe:
Now the once-great dictator
Gets his just desserts.

Hello there.

I have been told that
the aliens monitor
and rate each haiku

according to its
intensity of badness.
They won't tell me why.

Unsure what to do?
Rhyming haiku stick with you.
Much like super glue.

The stink of the dink,
be it purple, red, or pink,
means you should take zinc.

I think, therefore I spam.

Online zinc supplements and Viagra.
onlinestinkydinkpillsfromcanada.com

They made a mistake
And wished they were sea monkeys
And they got their wish

I will rend your limbs.
You will be a pile of blood
After this haiku

I'ma git me some...
Some a dat BAD BAD haiku.
What I'm talkin' bout.

So Cal, so go surf.
Mavericks would be awesome.
Just kidding; don't die.

I'm back in SoCal
But I won't be here too long
Just biding my time.

Your life is pointless.
I mean, just look at yourself.
You read bad haiku!

Actually, Adam
made his own banana stand
And Eve snatched it up

No bed of roses
Honey, while you were sleeping
I pruned your manhood

These pistachios
God made something so tasty
Intestine shrapnel

Eve was handy too
Made the first banana stand
Adam snatched it up

Jesus Christ is a
charitable carpenter
and he gives me wood.

Can't find the right words
To tell you in this poem
So I will just fart

This does not make sense.
If it made sense, you'd read it.
Stop licking the screen.

That won't get you high.
Try vinegar latte shots.
Attacked by purple.

She will not fuck you.
Not vaginally I mean.
Break dance battle whore.

What could I tell you
that you haven't heard before.
Sardine-stuffed gold flute.

Claustrophobia
For the midget I sat on
At the Bingo Hall

Refresh each minute.
I must have the last haiku
when the earth explodes.

Avocado toast
Three cheers for this funny fruit
Let's all drink to that

Head on collision
one last duck face selfie, please
You've got it in you

Robber Mugabe
Whoops! Sorry I meant Robert...
Trashed his own country.

Zimbabwe's lyin--
Sorry, meant to say lion...
Now more a dead dog.

No fucking way man.
Not giving up my necklace.
"Beef" jerky jewelry.

Somalia called.
Their women want their clits back.
I sent them to Darth.

Do not suck his "dink"!
You will get botulism.
Among other things.