It gets pretty sore
If you play with it too much
Then it all goes numb

Nobody wants me
Perhaps it''s because I smell
of elderberries

The ginger-haired girl
Sings like a siren by the
Photocopier

When I am made King
I''ll wear a hollow melon
Instead of a crown

When I saw Star Wars
Princess Leia forced me to
Test fire my Death Star

Alone in my room
I eat cold beans from the tin
In my vest and pants

''Just like a Mandog
you chase tail in a circle.''
XTC, the wags.

An old newspaper
Lies on the ground, in the rain
Just getting wetter

I just don''t get it
What''s with these apostrophes?
There''s one too many...

I like Jane Fonda
I couldn''t eat all of her
But I''d make a start

I wish I could fly
In the air like an eagle
That eats small people

I bought new sockets
And polished up all my plugs
Big plug fun tonight!

Oh didnt you hear?
Apostrophes are pass

Oh didnt you hear?
Apostrophes are pass

Bastard newsagent
didn''t deliver paper
*and* he has a beard.

Bastard newsagent
didn''t deliver paper
*and* he has a beard.

I send six haiku
to your wonderful website
oh, wait, now seven.

The morning''s work done,
I retire to the bar.
Time to get hammered.

Curled up in a ball,
Whimpering on the sidewalk
I have no more drugs.

Damn punk-ass robots
Always shooting their lasers
and cramping my style.

Pretentious bastards!
I do all my wine tasting
from a paper bag.

Passed out on the floor
Puddle of vomit my one
clue to what happened

If I wrote Haiku
To describe your many charms
Could I grab your ass?

my penis is large
my money is abundant
where are the chicks?

why does she IM?
she ripped my f**cking heart out
i mope always now

my cat''s neck and head
are flea-bitten and scabby
decapitation

when whisky is chugged
and pizza is inhaled, chunks
swirl counterclockwise

inverse investments
based on the belief that I
will be an icon

it has been my dream
and quite a wet one at that
since I was a girl

and now the fear strikes
cuz it''s time for me to, (shh)
the camera will lie

if I am

a man is giving
me money to make him rich
my dreams are rainchecks

Oh where oh where has
my Hollywood gone? Oh where
oh where can he be?

i could rule the world
if i was a lot bigger
and carried a nuke

Good God my darling
I think that I flipped my wig
such halcyon days

It has become clear
You would like to see me nude
I can understand

the frog runs screaming
just like a banshee in green
no one notices

the frog runs screaming
just like a banshee in green
no one notices

I built me a raft
I might pass this way again
In life.....you don''t know

my feet are sexy
arizona embers burn.
fried feet anyone?

I love The Big Dig
We approach a golden age
But they''ll all still whine

I hope those ass holes
are through harassing OJ
He''s suffered enough

take away this pain
reading reader''s digest sucks
where''s my bad Haiku??

Today my job ends
Good thing I sent resumes
I''ll love my new job

The neighbour''s sheepdog
has been shorn, and all its fur
is now a merkin

I wear pink boxers
I''m not secretly gay or
Anything like that

The heavy shroud
of time lies around my mind
Like a big parka

When fish swim softly
No-one hears their gentle splash
Except other fish

I am iron man
I''m not made from iron though
I like ironing

Making fresh popcorn
With a blowtorch and some oil
Where are my eyebrows?

Two haikus, how queer
I only clicked the thing once
Computers are pants

If I touched your brain
Would you giggle or cry out?
I''ve washed my forcep...