Oh, Kevin Spacey.
You''re the coolest man I''ve seen
Who looks like a spud.

Hey what do you call
A groupie in just their drawers?
A sycopant. Ha!

I''m a poor old hag.
Spare a pound for a cuppa
And some HRT.

''Porn! The Musical''
Starring Darren Day and 5ive.
Coming soon. Geddit?

I had no idea
That sponges were once alive
That weirds me out, man

Dogs are great, you know?
Who else would lick my fingers
Just to wake me up?

Once, I heard a song
That sounded like a cat''s screech
Britney Spears, it was

Look to the heavens!
Is that a horseman coming?
Or just a big cloud?

My blue touchpaper
Is covered in advocaat
So I can`t light it

Dreamt I got dog pierced
And I hung her out to dry
Using humane pegs

I sucked my Grandad''s
Werthers Original. Mmm.
Uncommonly good.

''Chips'', Isla St. Clair,
BJ and Bear; Sonny, Cher.
Ah, the Seventies.

Dog fell down a hole.
Again. No depth perception.
501s ruined.

You foolish young girls.
First picnic at Hanging Rock,
then Haunted House. Tsk.

Those boots of Lou Reed''s
Were they really *that* shiny?
Or was he on drugs?

had that dream again
floating higher in the air
rising up and up

cos i gotta fly
have u got reynold''s number
in case i need him

Melancholia
Sticks to the walls of my mind
Like some old Blu-Tack

There''s a big wet patch
In a ring around my crotch
Damn those waterproofs

Listen to rain
It sounds like drops of water
Falling from the sky

My Border Collie
Stinks awful bad when she''s wet
Please help me dry her

One of my gerbils
Squeals for his tiny biscuit
The earth laughs and cries

hey all you bad dudes
i want one in 3 holes
and I can take two by hand
I love to be cum upon.
I''m a cum drinkin bad bitch

Navel inspection
What's so metaphysical
about colored lint?

Need apostrophes?
Try ampersand pound three nine
then semicolon

Curse you, cold woman
Withholding your affections
I''m smoking again

Many regulars,
could I possibly compete?
Yeah, I''m pretty sure

This is really bad
Haiku and should contain one
more syllable

do not speak until
the day''s eyes flutter open
and tongue-crud is scraped

the inventor of
shoes must once have trod upon
fresh turds left by dogs

The glass ain''t half-full
Neither is it half-empty.
The milk is sour.

just cos i can type
i will send in this haiku
and a thousand more

aspect ratio
flatters my slim empennage
i fly like a bird

It was a fine day and I hit a website
www.badhaiku.com
I submitted and I cried

I wrestle for kicks
With Conga Eels in a tub
The kids sure like it

The magic number
Is three, or so I''m informed
It''s remarkable

I tattooed myself
With a chainsaw and some paint
It says "I love Mnnnfp"

I broke my joystick
By waggling it too roughly
Is there a moral?

Microwave ovens
Heat food using microwaves
Now that`s a fact Jack

That sneaky trumpet
Dribbled warmly down my thigh
PVC pants, yeah!

tea and cucumber
sandwiches and debutantes
jaw clenching, "thanks mom"

If it''s Saturday
It must be Sao Paolo
Or at least Cardiff

I am a viking
I have two enormous horns
Stuck on my helmet

When masticating
Please, try to keep your mouth closed
Else the food falls out

Is the glass half full?
Or is it just half empty?
Who cares? Bring more beer.

I pushed a pencil
Up my nose to sharpen it
Now I use crayons

just got out of bed
a new day nods its welcome
but first, take a whiz

Matt Stone, Trey Parker.
They are such clever buggers.
I just thought I''d say.

when the dog explores
her tail wags, her eyes light up
bugs are edible

Charging like bunnies,
with windswept ears and sharp teeth
Kiss my ass, Copper!!