bludgeon the reindeer
drink egg nog from Santa's skull
pistol whip the elves

go on, beep at me
I'll just trace your licence plate
and poison your dog

revel in the world
like a 4 year old loves snot
uninhibited

When you were away
I was happy and at peace
Why did you return?

Photographs revealed:
Was she just happy or was
It just a cold night?

Small, squiggly, green, wet.
It's a really funny word;Eel babies: ELVERS!

So this is true love.
My soul-mate: brilliant, likes me...
Cold truth: she's engaged.

This early morning
The moon in the sky looks like
A big clipped toenail.

Unassuming girl
Revealed a secret after
Drinking truth serum

Never kiss and tell
Tales of sex and drunkiness
Feed the rumour mill

just banging away
thinking about last night's game
ooops, guess she went home.

that warm gooshy gash
hides a mouth without teeth
my tongue tells me so

spent and then withdrawn
drooping limp and oozing goo
whupped one-eyed soldier

limp and exhausted
lying spent dripping fluids
discarded teabag

I don't want to write
I do not know what to say
Please help me finish

Read News ev'ry day
searching obituaries
Hoping for her name

Staff Christmas parties
Expose the alcoholics
And make fools of us

Unsensible shoes
Hindered late night marathon
My feet really hurt

my gal is so great
after only one six-pack
she takes out her teeth

pardon me, she says
couldn't we do it just once
without the yogurt?

oh boy, this is fun!
when I take my finger out
it's wet and gooey!

my old bodyparts
no longer cooperate
some of them just drip

Onetwo threefourfive;
onetwothree fourfivesix.
One twothreefour.

Oh shit.

Wow! Great party your
Holiness. Loved your glass-topped
Coffee table trick.

They bore the pontiff
Up to the gallows, chanting:
"It's pope on a rope!!"

investigating
unscientifically
can't prove anything

Corn flakes corn flakes corn
Flakes corn flakes corn flakes
Corn flakes corn flakes corn

God to the Pope: "Put
something on under that robe,
or it's Hell for you"

Pope themes: a tattoo
I may get... Richard Nixon
butt-fucking the pope.

If asked to work the
holidays, reply, "Does the
pope shit in the woods?".

Network Nazis block
web-sites: "Production will drop!!"
So I call in sick

The cruel void is deaf,
said Existentio the Clown.
"Kids! Stop snivelling!"

A man walks into
A bar. He well understands
Zen paradoxes.

Two nuns in a bath.
One nun says to the other:
"Let's trash the punch line."

while making a point
the old man threw his new hat
into the river

remind your children
under all that pretty meat
scary skeletons

I went to the zoo
and saw them eat Wonder-Bread!
Poor, poor sad hippos.

I am just showing
My mom how forms work on this
Silly internet

acalculia
i ponder the mystery
as i tap my desk

cremated showman
past prestidigitator
vanishing in a puff

exploring the lost
continents of uranus
may well reveal shit

Ginkgo Biloba Give me brains of alien I work in I.T.

Phoenix, rainy day --
Happens once every four months --
Shut up, stop whining.

this is my haiku
my haiku sucks very much
oh well that's okay

Chronic whiners, you
may NOT cheer in the good times
I will not have it


ps touchdown, bledsoe

Open your present
No, please, you open your gift
Kazcinski Christmas

Fearlessly we pitch
Ourselves naked into the
Squid-filled pond liner

receptionist smirks
at my magazine; she knows
I'll be crapping soon

Homecomeing Hero!
Triumphant, brave, strong and true
Fuck Flutie Magic

Reading on the train
"This Side of Paradise"--shake
my head, mutter: "broads"